“You need to get out of your comfort zone” was (and still kind of is) one of my most hated expressions. It’s like telling someone to “calm down” - to ignore their instincts and the danger their body is trying to warn them about. I think the wiser and kinder version of this is to “expand your comfort zone”. Rather than taking up base jumping to get over your fear of heights, let’s start with going up a step of a ladder. Instead of immediately going up to the next step, wait until you're comfortable with that first step. One person might then go to the second step, another person might feel brave enough to skip to the fourth, and then there will be the person who wants to stay on that first step for a little while longer, and that’s okay. If that person was forced to go to the top of the ladder, they might get a fright and never brave that first step again.
I’ll use an example from my own experience. My anxiety brought hypervigilance. I was only comfortable in places I was familiar with. If I went down to Dublin, my eyes would dart around, my body would tense, as though I was expecting someone to jump out from around a corner and attack me. Thankfully, nothing ever happened but it certainly would take the shine off an otherwise nice day. I would be afraid of getting separated from whoever I was with, or of getting lost. Looking back on it now, what I was really afraid of was if something went wrong I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
Then I went out to dinner with a friend who had been travelling solo. Her stories enraptured me and it sounded like such a freeing experience. One of the things that stressed me out about travelling was, ironically enough, that my companions would notice my anxiety! So, travelling on my own took a bit of the pressure off from masking my nerves. Now, I wasn’t going to go from barely able to handle Dublin to flying off to Portugal, so instead I booked two nights away to a nearby seaside town. My reasoning was I could go home if I got overwhelmed and only I would be at a loss, or I could stay in my room the whole time and I wouldn’t be ruining anyone else’s time.
That’s not what ended up happening.
I had a blast! A few months after that I booked another trip a little bit further away, and then a little bit further. Last year, I went to London on my own and loved it. As of writing this, I’ve just returned from a trip to Canada to visit one of my dearest friends. I now have little difficulty navigating a new city, or approaching a stranger for help if I get a little turned around. I’m not going down any dark alleyways, mind you, but my alarm bells aren’t ringing constantly like they used to.
Not all of my trips have gone smoothly - I’ve gotten sick, I’ve gotten lost without signal an hour away from my hotel, and I’ve certainly had trips I didn’t enjoy. However, I’ve come to trust myself that I’ll be able to handle it if things go wrong.
Expanding your comfort zone is going to look differently for different people. Here’s what I’ve learned that might help expand your comfort zone:
Make it as comfortable for yourself as possible.
For me, that meant going away on my own. For the ladder example, they might want someone they trust there to keep the ladder steady. For phone anxiety, it might be sitting in the most comfortable spot of the house with a cup of soothing tea. Change what you can about the situation to make it easier for yourself.
Break it down into steps.
There was no way I thought I would go to Canada when I started this journey. I had to start smaller. Don’t go from 0 to 100. You may be able to go to 20 to 40 to 60, or you might need to go from 5 to 10 to 15, or even 1 to 2 to 3. It’s about finding your own pace to become more comfortable. From my experience, I found I was able to take larger steps once I had taken those first few baby steps, but that might not be the same for everyone.
Have an exit strategy (especially early on).
There’s no shame in backing out, but sometimes just knowing you have an exit strategy can help you feel more confident in going forward. For me, this was starting off closer to home so I could leave any time I wanted. For something like social anxiety, this might be having someone on standby to pick you up from a party. If you do use your exit strategy, leave it for a bit and try again when you’re feeling up for it. Consider if you took too big of a step and see if you can break your journey down a little bit further.
Try to have a goal or a reward at the end.
This is to help with motivation. For me, it was ultimately to visit my friend, however, I always tried to build in things I wanted to do into my trips, like going to see a show in London. It’s a greater motivator for it to be related to the journey, but it doesn’t have to be. Planning to have a sweet treat after a stressful phone call might be enough to get you through it.
Most importantly - be kind to yourself.
Expanding your comfort zone is hard! You’ll have missteps but remember - no one becomes encouraged from being berated. Give yourself a break and you’ll be able to try again later. It’s about finding what works for you so that you can find lasting growth.
Disclaimer: While I am a qualified counsellor, the content provided here is for informational purposes only. It does not act as a replacement for therapeutic support. If you are feeling anxious and are thinking about therapy - reach out! My email is gemmaq.counselling@gmail.com and you can WhatsApp me at +353 89 249 2595.
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