I attended a talk hosted by Safe Ireland last week, where the wonder Dr Emma Katz spoke about coercive control and the impacts it has on the family at large. Coercive control is a term that is getting discussed more and more, which is great, but it can mean that the definition can get muddled along with narcissism, trauma, and even abuse.

As we near December, I can’t help but think of something that happened to me as a teenager. I mentioned off-hand to my mum about baking my friends some Christmas shortbread for their presents that year. Then, one day I came home from school and mum had them baked and ready. She was then very confused and understandably frustrated when I was upset with her.

There is this idea that you need to forgive in order to move on. I’ve heard it from clients who have been abused and assaulted - this idea that they should forgive. But not forgiving is not a moral failing. Forgiveness can only be truly given if the person who has hurt you has recognized what they’ve done, apologised, and are making efforts to never do it again.

“Am I being selfish?” is a question I am often asked by clients. Usually, the answer is no. Usually, the person asking is someone who is always taking care of everyone else and rarely puts themselves first. So, no - I don’t think taking an hour to yourself is selfish.

“You need to get out of your comfort zone” was (and still kind of is) one of my most hated expressions. It’s like telling someone to “calm down” - to ignore their instincts and the danger their body is trying to warn them about. I think the wiser and kinder version of this is to “expand your comfort zone”. Rather than taking up base jumping to get over your fear of heights, let’s start with going up a step of a ladder. Instead of immediately going up to the next step, wait until you're comfortable with that first step. One person might then go to the second step, another person might feel brave enough to skip to the fourth, and then there will be the person who wants to stay on that first step for a little while longer, and that’s okay. If that person was forced to go to the top of the ladder, they might get a fright and never brave that first step again.