“Am I being selfish?” is a question I am often asked by clients. Usually, the answer is no. Usually, the person asking is someone who is always taking care of everyone else and rarely puts themselves first. So, no - I don’t think taking an hour to yourself is selfish.
Let’s break down the Selfish’s opposite - Selfless. To be selfless is often celebrated but it is literally ‘Self Less’. You are focusing less on yourself for the sake of others. While this is nice to do, if you keep focusing on yourself less and less, how much of yourself is left by the end of it? Do we need to be selfish from time to time to counterbalance that?
I think the word ‘Selfish’ is weaponized by abusers, and those that are used to you dropping everything at a moment's notice for them. Sometimes, when we start to take time for ourselves, it can make others uncomfortable, especially if they are overly reliant on you. Sometimes it gets to a stage where they will assume you will be able to do something for them, and get upset when you say “no”. Despite what they might say - this is not selfish. They see it as you failing to meet their needs.
If someone calls you selfish, ask yourself: “Am I? Or am I just not doing what they want?” In all honesty, not only are you simply seeing to your needs first, but you are also giving them the opportunity to become more independent or to reach out to another support (because we should never rely solely on one person).
Ironically, when someone is calling you selfish, it’s more likely that they are selfish themselves. It’s always useful to reflect, if maybe you have been letting other relationships fall to the wayside while you focus on yourself. But we also need those moments of selfishness.
It’s always about balance.
We don’t want to turn everyone away and become isolated. Nor do we want to be at someone’s beck and call, and become resentful. I would say it lands on a spectrum or ‘Selfless’ and ‘Selfish’. You do not want to be on either extremes but somewhere in the middle, sliding up and down as needed.
Disclaimer: While I am a qualified counsellor, the content provided here is for informational purposes only. It does not act as a replacement for therapeutic support. If you are thinking about therapy - reach out! My email is gemmaq.counselling@gmail.com and you can WhatsApp me at +353 89 249 2595. You can check out my website www.gemmaquinncounselling.com for more information.
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