I attended a talk hosted by Safe Ireland last week, where the wonder Dr Emma Katz spoke about coercive control and the impacts it has on the family at large. Coercive control is a term that is getting discussed more and more, which is great, but it can mean that the definition can get muddled along with narcissism, trauma, and even abuse.
As is in the name, coercive control is about control - controlling the victim in every aspect of their lives until they are a shell of themselves, who will just go along with whatever the abuser wants. The coercive part is bringing in threats, “Do this, or else…” and that blank could be anything the victim fears. This could be physical threat like hitting, emotional threat like withholding affection, or financial threat like cutting out what the partner can spend.
I’ve had clients where their partners have criticized their weight and thus controlled what they eat and how much they should exercise “for their own good”, what they wear, even how long their hair should be. They controlled who they could see, how much they could work, and how much sleep they got.
This is consistent and persistent behaviour. And it comes with intent. Let’s say that an abuser is struggling with addiction and displays physically abusive behaviour. If they get treatment and their behaviour is improved then the problem was the addiction, there was a root cause. Coercive control does not have a root cause - only that the abuser wants, and thinks they deserve, complete control over the victims lives.
The most common example of this would be partner abuse, most usually male to female abuse. However, as with any form of abuse it is not limited to gender, sexuality, or the relationship. There is nothing stopping family members, living co-habitents, or co-workers from using coercive control.
Now, this comes with limits. If a parent tells a child that if they don’t clean their room they won’t get any pocket money, I wouldn’t consider that coercive control. It has nuances, as does all abuse. Again, what matters is that it is consistent, and usually it would be multiple ways of controlling rather than one.
The aim of the abuser is for the victim to stop resisting. They don’t want fights or arguments, which may be the aim of other abusers. The aim of coercive control is for the victim to do what they say, regardless of how unreasonable it is. They will try to exhaust their victims, claim that things are the victim’s fault, and try to make the victim believe that it is not worth the fight.
From Dr Katz’s talk, this can have a massive impact on any children in the household. It seems like it can go two ways - either the children will become weaponized and potentially feel distant from the victim, or they will also be controlled, or ignored, and this may lead to the children being very close with the victim.
Either way, it can be very damaging to their development and give them a warped view on relationships. While every situation is different, to any person reading this that thinks it is better for the children to stay in the relationship, it is far more likely that it will be better for them to leave. If you are a victim of abuse, there is always the chance that they will also be abused in one form or another, if not be your abuser, then by someone else. And if you stay now, it is likely they will stay in their abusive relationships.
Like I said before, all cases have their own nuances and barriers that are unique to them. If you are in an abusive relationship, even if you are unsure whether to call it ‘abusive’ or not, please reach out to one of the domestic violence organisations out there. There is likely one in your local area but you can also reach out to Women’s Aid at 1800 341 900 or Men’s Aid at 01 554 3811, both are national helplines in Ireland.
Disclaimer: While I am a qualified counsellor, the content provided here is for informational purposes only. It does not act as a replacement for therapeutic support. If you are thinking about therapy - reach out! My email is gemmaq.counselling@gmail.com and you can WhatsApp me at +353 89 249 2595. You can check out my website www.gemmaquinncounselling.com for more information.
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