As we near December, I can’t help but think of something that happened to me as a teenager. I mentioned off-hand to my mum about baking my friends some Christmas shortbread for their presents that year. Then, one day I came home from school and mum had them baked and ready. She was then very confused and understandably frustrated when I was upset with her.
She had good intentions, of course. But the point of the present, in my mind, was that I was the one who had made them, with my time and my own hands. I am a sentimental person that way. My mum thought she was doing me a favour - not to mention her skills at baking were far superior to mine. I look back now and feel a pang of sympathy - she had done something out of love, but didn’t receive any back.
This is a rather small (and somewhat silly) example, but it makes me think of the things we do for others and what we expect to gain in return, even unconsciously.
When we are people pleasers, or desperate for people to like us, sometimes we do things for people without being asked. This can also be an act of love, to take something out of someone’s hands. But sometimes that means we are also taking something away from that person. To reference back to my story, my mum unwittingly took away the joy of the process of creation, of practicing a new skill by just doing it for me.
I think this is a trap mostly fallen into by parents. They want their child to do well, or want ‘the thing’ to turn out well, so they just do it themselves, rather than letting their child gain experience and further their independence.
The other way this can go is that we can do acts of kindness and be taken for granted. If we do things without being asked, an assumption can form that we’ll always do that thing. Let’s say, you’re the one in the friend group that is always reaching out and arranging for meet-ups. Then maybe you get busy and realise no one has been in touch, because it’s become an unsaid thing that you’re always the one to organise.
If even small things like this goes on, I think it can breed resentment.When you’re always the one going the extra mile and it is not appreciated, you can feel bitter. Sometimes, when it gets to that point, it can also feel like an obligation to continue doing the thing it’s assumed you will do.
So, how do we break out of that pattern? Well, it’s personal, of course. Every situation and person is different but a few things come to mind:
Communicate with the person. This feels the most obvious, but also more daunting option. This can range from, “Hey, could someone else organise a get-together? I feel like I’m always the one doing it,” to “You know, I was hurt when you didn’t notice I [did this thing].”
Ask yourself if it’s actually wanted. As I said before, sometimes when we do something for someone else, we are actually taking an experience away from them. There’s a difference between helping someone out when they’re stressed and need a hand, and doing something that they may have wanted to do, or are better off doing themselves.
Ask the other person if they would like help. If you’re at all unsure if the other might not appreciate the help, ask. Even if it turns out they would rather do the thing themselves, they’ll appreciate that you reached out.
Ask yourself if you are being taken advantage of. If you are known to be the kind of person to do things for others, sometimes that can be taken advantage of. For example, maybe at work if someone makes a complaint about how much work they have to do, and you jump in to offer help. The first time or two, they might just be complaining, but if they start expecting you to offer, without even being asked, then they may be taking advantage.
Ask yourself if you have the space for this. Sometimes, we are so eager to help others that we do so at the expense of ourselves. Just to use the work example again - maybe we also are overloaded with work and have then volunteered to take on more work. Not only are we over-extending ourselves, but we also may be taking on things that we cannot follow through on. Sometimes, we have to have faith that the other person can handle it on their own, or that other people can help them, when we simply cannot.
It’s an issue of boundaries. Normally, when we think of boundaries, we think of how other people cross them. But sometimes, we need to have boundaries with ourselves for the sake of self-care and to prevent burnout and resentment.
Disclaimer: While I am a qualified counsellor, the content provided here is for informational purposes only. It does not act as a replacement for therapeutic support. If you are thinking about therapy - reach out! My email is gemmaq.counselling@gmail.com and you can WhatsApp me at +353 89 249 2595. You can check out my website www.gemmaquinncounselling.com for more information.
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