There is this idea that you need to forgive in order to move on. I’ve heard it from clients who have been abused and assaulted - this idea that they should forgive. But not forgiving is not a moral failing. Forgiveness can only be truly given if the person who has hurt you has recognized what they’ve done, apologised, and are making efforts to never do it again.
There are different measures of hurt. Maybe a family member said something thoughtlessly, without thinking through how it might affect you. You may choose to forgive them without much conversation. Maybe someone consistently puts you down, but once it’s pointed out, maybe they’ll apologise and they are more careful with their words. Or maybe they don’t, and double-down, calling you “too sensitive” and continuing with the treatment. You argue with yourself. Maybe this is “just how they are” and that you just have to let it go… Maybe it would cause too much family drama to call them out, or cut them out of your life. I don’t think you have to forgive them in that instance. At what point is ‘forgiving’ someone just allowing them to continue their abusive behaviour?
And in instances of crime, forgiveness is seen as this benevolent thing, where the victim is put in an angelic role because they have forgiven the perpetrator. Forgiveness is about choice. We can choose to forgive, but if we feel pressured into forgiving because it is seen as ‘the right thing to do’, then we are taking responsibility away from perpetrators and placing it onto victims.
If you have hurt someone, truly hurt them, then you are not owed forgiveness. All you can do is own up to what you have done, acknowledge the hurt, and apologise with no expectation of forgiveness.
I feel a lot of people believe they have to forgive in order to move on. But I worry it is the weapon of denial. We are usually not comfortable with being hurt, or feeling angry. So when we do not get justice, or the person who hurt you will not take accountability, we instead forgive.
Or do we? Is it a true forgiveness? Or is it something we tell ourselves to feel better while we push away feelings that are perfectly valid and human?
There is a difference between letting go and forgiveness. Forgiveness is about healing the relationship, where you feel the other person will not intentionally harm you in the same way again. Letting go is knowing that the person may do it again, but deciding to not allow it to consume you.
The problem is not feeling the anger or the hurt. Instead, it’s when we turn it inward and it affects our day to day lives. Letting go (truly letting go and not denying your feelings) is about acknowledging those feelings, knowing that the way you feel is justified and allowing yourself to sit with them. When they’ve had their time, they will go - just let any other emotion does.
I describe it to my clients like a helium balloon. If we push it down, we are still holding it, trapping it within ourselves. But, if we let it do what it naturally wants to do it will fly away.
You can choose to forgive. Maybe you love this person, and they have made the effort to repair your relationship. You can choose to let it go and keep that person in your life but still be wary. Or you can let them go, knowing that you may be better off without them. Regardless, it is your choice. There are no ‘shoulds’ when it comes to how you feel.
I’m speaking vaguely because this kind of hurt and break in a relationship can come from anywhere: a romantic relationship, familial, friendship, or whomever.
In therapy, you might explore what happened, how you feel about it, and what you want to do next. It might be confusing and take some time, but sometimes talking to someone not involved can help you see things a bit more clearly. It can only be your decision whether or not you choose to forgive. It is more important that you heal from the hurt, over making other people comfortable.
Disclaimer: While I am a qualified counsellor, the content provided here is for informational purposes only. It does not act as a replacement for therapeutic support. If you are thinking about therapy - reach out! My email is gemmaq.counselling@gmail.com and you can WhatsApp me at +353 89 249 2595. You can check out my website www.gemmaquinncounselling.com for more information.
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